A NEW GERMAN

by Tomislav Chagall


aj celebrating his naturalization in style

a new german

my life in germany began with a »no«—coming to frankfurt at the age of five, without any knowledge of german whatsoever save the word »nein« i recall entering kindergarten and bickering with another kid whose incomprehensible flood of words i could only parry with reiterated dissent in its purest form.

i mastered german soon afterwards and started blending in, adapting to the formerly alien surroundings and unfamiliar social conventions—still, during my adolescence i would be confronted again and again with the assertion: »you are not one of us, you just live here.«

for several years, rejection was a constant and reliable companion; evincing open hostility or exhibiting sophisticated disdain, it served to fuel my anger at the germans’ callous attitude, complacent in their privilege, which led them to look down upon immigrants and to refuse acknowledgement of accomplishments unless you excelled them. i lost count of the ways in which my name had been misspelled, each an audacious display of ignorance and disrespect. i vacillated from an idiosyncrasy of solitude, manifested as a recluse dwelling in my apartment, to exuberant communication aimed at deconstructing others’ preconceived misconceptions, however, ultimately perpetuating intellectual segregation and disassociating from germans myself.

it wasn’t until i became aware of my own fallacies that i attempted transcending the disease of conditioning andbegan working towards maintaining my focus on the dichotomy of being an immigrant turned german. i remembered what my english teacher at high school once had told us: »in addition to your upbringing in germany, your cultural heritage, passed on to you from your parents, opens doors to you that will remain shut to someone who has only lived in his native environment. you are not only german, you are more than that—consider it a bonus.« from then on, coming to terms with my personal »deutschtum« became straightforward and effortless.

in retrospect, the final step on the way to crossing the line from heteronomy to autonomy was naturalization—identifying with the community i considered being a part of, conflicts and past bitterness notwithstanding; appreciating the past as an experience that made me who i am, but turning towards the present and facing the future in order to develop further; being more than a campaign, more than a buzzword, more than a trend; contributing to unity in diversity.

and now—i am here, i live ... i matter: a new german, yes.


CULT-GEIST: The Modern German